Sorry I've been gone for so long. I kind of had to make an impromptu hiatus when I finally got better from the cold I caught when I last wrote a journal here in order to catch up with my school work. The incident regarding... the thing... from April has been resolved, it was an easy fix, and I was merely panicking like I always do. As for my pneumonic embolism, it's under control as well, but I'll be on medication for it for a long while until I finally lose weight again. I finished spring semester with flying colors, went to Mesa weight training class for summer, and enrolled in additional BOT courses at Grossmont this fall, even though I didn't get a grant, which is something I'll need to reapply for before the semester's end so I have something substantial for spring 2016. Again, all is smooth sailing in there as well, I even made some new friends from the accounting class and flex lab; it's not a large group a friends, but I like the small amount I do have, it's a bit more intimate and less daunting. Funny that they happen to be mostly male, but that's leftover from when I was surrounded by boys in the fifth and six grade co-ed special class, so I'm used to it.
I should also mention that I'm currently touch-typing as I write this, and I absolutely love it; I know why I've been putting it off for so long, but I wished that I've taken it earlier when I got into playing platform games on the PS2 twelve years ago, but certain circumstances have halted me, among other things. I'm no speed demon by any means, but it's a decent average of fifty WPM on a good day with little to no errors, and it's a bit uncomfortable to do it on my raised laptop, which is dying slowly but still clunking along, so I should probably get an extra set of keyboard, since I gave my other one to Sis since hers died.
I wanna give thanks to those who wished me a happy birthday last week; I essentially pampered myself rotten with a new hair style -- red highlights in my bangs and front strands to match with most of my outfits, which are primarily red -- and an inexpensive traditional massage. The following day, I took Mom, Sis and Bro to a Brazilian steakhouse for my birthday dinner; it was a blast, and the food was scrumptious, and the best part, I didn't have stinky ol' grouchface ruining it for me and everyone else like he always does, being his usual rain-on-your-parade asshole. Halloween night was okay, not many trick-or-treaters since it was a weekend night, but we did get a lot of comments and praises for Sis's scrape sculpted FNAF jack-o-lanterns minus Foxy; I only wished that I wasn't such a wreck that day, I didn't get the chance to help her with it like I wanted to. I was too busy napping after essentially breaking down for no reason other than pent-up stress from the past months, years maybe, and depression-related medications I've been trying out under the help of my psychiatrist. Needless to day, accidental skipping of dosage can wreck your whole day.
Even if back then were darker, I wish I could go back to the old days when it was good. Especially on DevART. It seems that everyone I've known are gone or inactive, and I feel so alone on here. I'm too afraid to make any more new friends on here because of the anonymity that comes with it (not to mention the mild fan-worshiping yandere mentality coming either from me or someone else), so there are a lot of not nice people on here more so than usual. I've been burned once too many over frivolous tripe, and I know it's stupid of me to still be affected by so many of those said tripe since it's been so long, but I can't help how badly it hurts my heart when those things happened. I seem to never forgive myself or never forgive those who lash out at me without realizing that they're lashing out at a feeling, loving human being who may not be perfect but at least she's not a shitlord or shitlady. I'm too afraid to even speak my mind and be playful about it because people will immediately label me as a bad person. It doesn't help that sarcasm it not an easy language to portray in written form unless noted.
I'm not sure if that's the reason why I haven't been very active on DA as of late, save the usual lurking in the shadows like I do on Twitter, thanks to the new mobile phone I got myself (never though I'd resort to that, but now I can see what all the fuss is about), but every time I go on DA to even post something on my profile, it hurts. It hurts so much.
I haven't produced any artistic content for so long, and as much as I want to go back to doing that, I find no defining reason to do so. It was all lost, seven or eight years ago, when the unfortunate event happened. There are certain aspects in my life that makes me feel like I'm a fraud who deserves to be punished, like my very existence is fake. I'm afraid to grow into my own person because it could essentially be the exact replica of the very person who I hate very much, who resents me for being me and not like him, who is nothing more than an asshole with no feelings or concern for other people around him. Meanwhile, I resent him for not being the father I always wanted to have and love, but that doesn't phase him in contrast to the fact that I was a child with emotional needs and wants, and not a timid mouse like my sister.
I'm not sure if it's DA that's changed or it's me that's changed, but I'm not getting the same vibe I once felt over ten years ago. I don't think I can expand to other social media sites; they're either too confusing or clunky or too specific in their niches (I'm not really into furries like I used to be; I still like to draw them, but I want to do something else it feels like). Hell, Tumblr looks like a total mess, it's too damn difficult to navigate and find what I wanna look at.
I wanna try new things as well, maybe even get a proper YouTube channel, but I'm too afraid of being judged or having to deal with the awkwardness that usually comes with it. I don't even wanna be docked for being obviously obese by the shitlords and shitladies that have ruined so many lives before (and made reddit essentially cross the line no one wanted). My life was already ruined, it doesn't need to be ruined any further than it is.
I wish I could say thank you to those who have started watching me recently; I wish I could say it means a lot to me to know folks are still interested in my artwork even though it's been on life support for so damn long. But for some reason, I'm not feeling it. All I'm feeling is guilt, resentment, fear. I feel guilty for having a DA account that has no new content for so long, I resent not being the person I was once upon a time, a person who did art for the sake of art and damn be those who say otherwise, and I'm afraid of seeing how badly my art skill have diminished over disuse.
My only excuse is that I've been fighting a steep hill called depression. I know I've shared that many times before, and I'm not afraid to do so, but I'm ashamed that I have it in the first place, and I'm ashamed that it's ruining my life much worse than it used to. I don't know if I'll ever be rid of it; I would probably go mad first before it happens. I'm deathly afraid of having some form of onset Irish madness play into my life, schizophrenia or the like, since it cavorts in my father's family. I'm deathly afraid of my depression consuming me to the point that I give up on life, since it also cavorts in my mother's family, among other mental issues.
All of this and more are still bothering me and I don't know how long I can last at this point or how long it will last before it's over. I still have a lot on my plate to resolve and I don't know how to go about it without chickening out. I still intend on continuing my hiatus until things settle down back home or something better comes along; I'm not waiting for it, per se, but I want something to come about from all of this. I'll be on Twitter most of the time, so see me over there if you like. I'll contact those who have requested email time with me, so don't worry about my going absolutely dark; I just need more time away from something I used to love and want to love again, but I need to find a reason.
Please be kind to me, be kind to yourself, and most importantly, be kind to others; you never know what may come of it if you try.
Ta, for now.